So you would leave us, would you?
You would leave us here?
Here on this swirling ball of self destruction,
plummeting,
flying,
hurling,
to a blank, white, screen of
fear.
I guess you were weaker than I thought.
I wonder if whatever was in that bottle was better,
better than what we gave you.
Why else?
But sometimes people never realize,
that when they're looking in the mirror,
the mirror is really themself.
We say that you're a good person,
just that you've messed up.
Did you ever guess that maybe there was no end,
when you entered that illusion of a maze?
I don't think you did.
But everyone's fucked up these days.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Thanks for your help guys, i'll edit this as soon as I get the chance. I also had a question: 'r' seems a bit of a harsh rating for just one word... but I wasn't sure what to put...
Hello, 1der!
The structure was random, it didn't connect in any pieces. There were long lines, short lines, stanzas of four, no stanzas at all. It's all a bit of mess.
I think a hyphen would be great.
What's with the commas? Why can't it be "a blank white screen of fear"? By the way, the metaphor is somehow strange. Screen of fear? Hmm.
This felt awkward. Sometimes – never? I don't get it. What about "sometimes people don't realize"?
Themselves, no?
Random; I don't get the idea.
I'm sorry that I can't be more of help for now, but I hope this was even a little helpful. PM me if needed.
See you around,
Demeter xx
Hello 1dering!
I think your language here is too vague and could be made to have more of an impact. For example, I'm not sure what this swirling ball of self destruction is, but I have a feeling it's the Earth. I think that's a really weird description for the Earth - it's not a bad one, but you could find a better one, that's all. The verbs that follow: plummeting, flying, hurling, I don't really like all of them. I think it would work better if you found just one verb that fit it and used that. One word is always better than three, especially if that one word says what you were trying to say. The next part also has some problems. "blank, white, screen of fear". I'm confused... what screen? And fear is one of the most vague words in the whole entire world. Word choice is an incredibly important thing with poetry. You need to pick the right words that leave the impression you want on your reader. A great article about word choice is this one: Right Word, Right Time by Cade.I like how the beginning of your poem is so informal. It's a nice tone!
I'm not really sure what to say about this poem. It's nice, but it isn't great, and there isn't a whole lot for me to like about it. It needs more to it. This is more like a diary poem, one written for the speaker. I'm of the opinion that a poem is written also for the reader; meaning that you have to affect your reader in some way. I didn't really get anything out of this, and a poem should (to me) cause me to think or feel something. You need to make this less about the narrator and the "you" in the poem. Not... well, okay, don't make it less about them, but you need to bring us, the reader into it too. Write it so the you make us feel - and a lot of this has to do with word choice, like I mentioned above.
I hope I helped! I feel like I made no sense, haha. So, If I made no sense and you have a question, go ahead and PM me. Happy writing!